Today's Special: Biopic Hazards, Perfect Titles for Celebrity Life Stories

One movie genre that never seems to lose popularity is biopics. Four out of this year’s 10 Best Picture Oscar nominees fall into the category, including the winner — The King’s Speech. No matter what kind of story — sad, happy, tragic or inspiring — audiences can’t seem to get enough of seeing celebrity lives re-dramatized in celluloid.

To help out Hollywood, below is a list of the hottest celebrities just ripe for biopic treatment.  And to give filmmakers a leg up, we’re supplying the title and logline. All they have to do is make the film. So get going, Hollywood studios. Just remember to mention us when you accept your award.

Charlie Sheen
Biopic title: The Winds of Warlock

The inspiring adventure of a man determined to tell the world about his true warlock self.  And the more hot air he spewed, the more everyone knew his sanity had long been gone with the wind.

Kim Kardashian
Biopic title: Das Booty

The eye-opening story of a woman on a mission to make her most valuable asset the fixation of a nation. But as her fame grew,  fans couldn’t quite put their finger on why they were watching her.

Brett Favre
Biopic title: Say Hello to My Little Friend

The probing epic of a man with a cell phone camera, a love of texting and the confidence to show his prowess to the world. The film will give a whole new meaning to the term “first and ten.”

Britney Spears
Biopic title: What Waits Below

The revealing story of a woman with skirts too short and underwear that had a habit of turning up missing at the worst possible moment. Watch out! Who knows what havoc will be unleashed when she opens a cab door and swings her legs toward the curb.

Mel Gibson
Biopic title: What Women Don’t Want

The riveting saga of a man who could have any woman he wanted — until he opened his mouth. And as he spoke, gasps could be heard all over the land.


Christina Aguilera
Biopic title: So Proudly We Fail

The lyrical tale of a voice that could shake the heavens … and its  downfall at the hands of Johnny Walker and Jim Beam. You’ll never look at “Don’t Forget the Lyrics” the same way again.

Ohio Congressman John Boehner
Biopic title: The Crying Game

The touching story of a man who wasn’t afraid to show his emotional side, knowing full well that each grab of that big gavel will bring him to tears.

Lindsay Lohan
Biopic title: Steal Crazy After All these Years

The cautionary saga of a woman who had everything — fame, fortune, parole — but couldn’t help but fall prey to the lure of the five-finger discount.  She’ll steal your heart, if she doesn’t steal your wallet first.

Katy Perry
Biopic title: Elmo & Me

The tragic tale of a love that could never be.  She was a pop singer with shirts a little too tight.  He was a puppet with fiery red fur. And when they got together, they unleashed a furor in parents never before seen on the street named Sesame.

Justin Bieber
Biopic title: Hair… There… Everywhere

The magical tale of a young lad with hair so perfect, it proved  irresistible to any girl under the age of 14. And with each flip of his bang, a nation would have to wonder … “one time” would he ever experience a bad hair day?

Muammar Gaddafi
Biopic title: Gaddafi Duck and Cover

The explosive adventure of a freewheeling Middle Eastern dictator who, not knowing the meaning of defeat, wasn’t going to let a little thing like a “no fly” zone spoil his plans.  You’ll laugh, you’ll cry as you watch the leader profess his hold over his country, all the while looking over his shoulder.

Sarah Palin
Biopic title: The Rogue Warrior

The curious saga of a woman who couldn’t find happiness without going rogue, and the media who just couldn’t look away as she did. Yet the more she belittled and berated the journalists obsessing over her every move, the more she began to realize that without them, she’d just be the forgotten ex-part time governor from the state of Alaska.

Donald Trump
Biopic title: Extreme Makeover – Comb Edition

The hair-raising tale of a sight so horrifying, mothers shield their children’s eyes.  No matter which way the comb turns, the results resemble an animal that should have been buried weeks ago.

Lady Gaga
Biopic title: The Egg and I

The curious story of a woman who knew how to get from point A to point B in the weirdest way possible. Forget the 1947 Colbert/MacMurray comedy with the same name — there’s only one performer who can give the egg its due, and her name is Gaga.

About Chris

Chris Koseluk has written about the entertainment industry for numerous magazines and newspapers including The Hollywood Reporter, Variety, Make-Up Artist Magazine, BackStage West, Premiere, Video Business, Movie Times, Newsday, The Chicago Tribune, The San Francisco Chronicle, the Portland Oregonian and the Houston Chronicle. He currently runs As a partner in Never Dull Productions, Chris wrote and directed the feature documentary Sled Shots about the U.S. Paralympic Sled Hockey Team.