Today's Special: Movie monster fights we'd like to see

There’s something just fun — and often funny — about monsters in movies. And when they fight!? Now that’s entertainment!

Japan has the right idea pitting Godzilla against Mothra and Gamera and … well, the list goes on. Even comic books pit their best bad guys — and good guys — against each other for superfights.

We say, bring on more! The editors at Disc Dish have come up with 10 movie monster fights we would we like to see and who we think will win. Tell us if you agree. What movie monster fights would you like to see?

1. The Mountain Banshees (Ikran in the Na’vi) from Avatar vs. The Harpies from Jason and the Argonauts

Mountain Banshee vs Harpie

THE FIGHT: Though both are winged flying creatures with matching color schemes (lots of blues and violets), Jason’s Harpies look like they’re the weaker of the two as they only have two wings while Avatar’s Ikran have four. And the Harpies are more mischievous than aggressive, having spent most of their time tormenting a blind seer (really classy!) than engaging in any real combat.

WINNNER: The Harpies from Jason and the Argonauts

We think Avatar‘s Banshees are a seemingly much more intelligent and complex species and could probably take the Harpies in an open-air bout. But, what if said Banshees were neurally connected to any of the Na’vi at the time? That could distract them from getting the job done. The all-female Harpies, on the other hand, don’t bother with bonding — they do it all on their own. And the Banshees’ intelligence may actually work against them, particularly when it comes to combating the maniacal and undeniably annoying strategy the oh-so-shrill Harpies employ. So, we’re gonna give it to the Harpies by a serpentine nose.

2. The Monster from Cloverfield vs. Godzilla from Godzilla (1998 version)

Cloverfield Monster vs. Godzilla

THE FIGHT: These two bad boys would be more Ultimate Fighting Championship than boxing, with lots of tripping, rolling, slicing and, maybe some hugging, because you gotta think these hulking monsters would get tired at some point. Godzilla appears to have the speed and agility, but the Monster from Cloverfield looks likes it’s got a longer reach, which will serve him well. And what about its really nasty parasitic offspring waiting on the sidelines to tag team? Godzilla’s kids are kinda cute; so we’re guessing there wouldn’t much damage from them.

WINNER: The Monster from Cloverfield

We think the Cloverfield monster will edge out The Big G, if not from sheer size and weight than by its singular determination, non-maternal instincts and undeterred knowledge — and destruction — of Manhattan. Remember that it was the military that laid waste to the Chrysler Building, the Flatiron Building and Madison Square Garden in their attacks against Godzilla, while the Monster from Cloverfield trashed the Brooklyn Bridge and the Statue of Liberty all on its own! And speaking of the Brooklyn Bridge, the Monster knew to avoid it during the weekend rush hour, something that Godzilla didn’t consider and that ultimately proved to be fatal.

3. The Blob from The Blob vs. the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters

The Blob vs. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

THE FIGHT: Undoubtedly the most gooey of all the challenges, the Blob/Stay Puft Marshmallow Man battle would definitely be a long and sticky one. When the two gelatinous adversaries mix it up, it’d be the equivalent of  hitting the “puree” button on a giant blender. It’s a smack-down that has the makings of an appetizingly sweet sandwich alternative.

WINNER: The Blob

The all-enveloping Blob would come out on top in this fight, if for nothing more than the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s hulking confectionery body is comprised of sugar, dextrose and occasionally artificial flavorings, all of which will decompose much faster than the Blob’s grape jelly-like mass. Or, worse, if the tussle heats up, Stay Puft is in danger of carmelizing.

4. The Alien Arachnid from Starship Troopers vs. the Acklay from Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Alien Arachnid vs. Acklay

THE FIGHT: Both of these alien breeds boast shell-like body armor, razor-sharp mandibles, powerful pincers and a killer attitude. The Alien Arachnid has speed on his side, but the Acklay has the edge when it comes to mobility.

WINNER: The Acklay

Alien Arachnid does not have an instinct for one-on-one, claw-to-claw combat. Bred to attack in phalanxes with a surrounding army of fellow warrior bugs, he’d be out of his league in a solo fight against the Acklay, who held his own against Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala in the storied “Battle of Geonesis.” Until it was killed, that is.

5. HAL 9000 Computer from 2001: A Space Odyssey vs. Charlie Sheen from Ustream


THE FIGHT: HAL 9000, the sentient, purely logical on-board computer of the Discovery One, was created for “the accurate processing of information without distortion or concealment.” Sheen, on the other hand, was born to throw all sense of logic to the winds, as well as to party with porn stars.

WINNER: Charlie Sheen

HAL would never be able to process the flood of inaccuracies, non-sequiturs, exaggerations contradictions and just plain old nuttiness that are the rantings of Charlie Sheen. Thus, Sheen’s torrents of illogic would run rings around the logically minded HAL, short circuiting the super-computer’s higher brain functions and shutting him down. But we didn’t have to tell you that Sheen would be WINNING! did we?

6. Draco from Dragonheart vs. Elliott from Pete’s Dragon

Draco vs. Elliott

Do we need to say it? Sean Connery’s Draco could kick Walt Disney’s Elliott’s ass any day of the week! But we’d expect lots of crying. Sorry, Elliott.

WINNER: Draco in an early knockout

‘Nuff said.

7. The Wampa from Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back vs. Bumble the Abominable Snow Monster from  Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Wampa vs. Bumble

THE FIGHT: Both Bumble and the Wampa are naturally adept at moving about their native sub-zero surroundings. And they’re evenly matched when it comes to colossal strength and natural perseverance of the elements.

WINNER: Bumble the Abominable Snow Monster

The Wampa appears to be all gut instinct — find the food, swat it down and then hang it from the ceiling until the seasonal thaw. Bumble has proven himself to be more of a strategist, exemplified by his careful tracking of Rudolph and Hermey through the North Pole snowy mountain ranges. He’ll likely bide his time as he parries all of the Wampa’s blows, tiring him out and then going in for the kill. Hopefully, it’ll happen after Luke severs off the Wampa’s arm and before Hermey extracts all of Bumble’s teeth.

8. The Zuni Fetish Doll from Trilogy of Terror vs. Chucky from the Child’s Play series 

Zuni Fetish Doll from Trilogy of Terror vs. Chucky

THE FIGHT: Both Chucky and the Zuni Doll are born of voodoo spirits, and they’re both good with a knife or any other sharp implement they can get their manufactured hands on. But Chucky also has intelligence and more of a sense of strategy on his side.

WINNER: The Zuni Fetish Doll

This one is a tough call, but we’ve got to give it to the Zuni Doll, a single dude whose unending fury has no agenda save for keeping his golden chain around his neck. Chucky, a married man with a growing family, is a talker (with a penchant for self-aggrandizement punctuated by profanity) who needs to engage in some verbal rope-a-dope with his foe before the bloodletting begins. Apart from his jibberish battle cry, the Zuni Doll is no talk and all action. While Chucky’s winding up to deliver a quip, Zuni’ll yank him to the floor and slit his throat.

9. The Rock Monster from Galaxy Quest vs. the Sandman from Spider-Man 3

Rock Monster vs. Sandman

THE FIGHT: Spider-man’s nemesis The Sandman (aka Flint Marko) is made up of finely divided rock and mineral particles and the Rock Monster is composed solely of, well, rock. So, the Rock Monster would have a tough time getting a grip on his shape-shifting opponent (just as Spidey did), though he could potential pound him into an even finer grade of sand granules.

WINNER: The Sandman

While the Rock Monster is trying to get his hands on his opponent, the Sandman will mount an offensive by blasting away at the Rock Monster’s stony body. It would be laborious, but if he doesn’t get too bored, Flint’s constant chipping away at the Rock Monster would result in a pile of rubble and a Sandman victory.

10. Hare Krishna Zombie from Dawn of the Dead (1978 version) vs. Zombie Priest from 28 Days Later

Priest zombie from 28 Days Later vs Hare Krishna zombie from Dawn of the Dead

THE FIGHT: Both are undead, both look to be physically matched for a one-on-one-scrap, and both are hungry. But that’s where the similarities end, as the Hare Krishna zombie is a follower of a movement that embodies various parts of the Hindu Gaudiya Vaishnava religious philosophies and the Zombie Priest is a member of the Church of England.

WINNER: none

The Hare Krishna zombie would undoubtedly follow the regulative principle that dictates there should be no eating of meat, while the Zombie Priest, though possibly a carnivore, would find his a priori belief system challenged by the Krishna’s worship of the Hindu god Krishna as the one Supreme God. This affront to the Priest’s years of training and religious practice would invariably ruin his appetite. An epistemological stand-off would leave both zombies hungry.

About S. Clark

Sam Clark is the former Managing Editor/Online Editor of Video Business magazine. With 19 years experience in journalism, 12 in the home entertainment industry, Sam has been hooked on movies on since she saw E.T. then stared into the sky waiting to meet her own friendly alien. Thanks to her husband’s shared love of movies, Sam reviews Blu-ray discs in a true home theater, with a 118-inch screen, projector and cushy recliners with cup holders.